A Girl Lost In The World

confused

2006-03-24T02:34:41Z

Well its been a while since i last wrote...Just sitting here thinking of prom...its soo close yet so far away. Wishing for something, thinking of something, listening to some music. Im so confused about so much now its hard to think straight. I can't stand whats going on and what i've become. What i come to think like. For a while i was a posative outgoing person..now i just wanna keep to myself, keep quiet, be shy. I know thats not me tho. I didn't wanna go back to what i was before...seems like im slowly fading back to that path. I hate it i dont wanna go back. I cant go back but i dont know what to do anymore. Everythings been turned upside down. I wake up feeling like nothing is ever going to get better, nothing is ever going to change and go the way i'd hoped. Its all the same everyday. I wake up and tear drops fall down like rain. its the same when i go to sleep...Im constantly thinking of what im going to do where im going to go..i never know..I know i wake up and go to school hen rugby and thats it...I like this guy who i use to hang out with and use to talk to on the phone...now when we talk it seems awkward and weird. all i want to do is be invisable around him its how i feel when im there anyways...invisible.....

I just wanna be invisible

dont know

2005-09-23T00:24:47Z

Your reuining me...i can't figure you out anymore...Tyler i just can't figure you out

News tongiht

2005-09-05T03:40:35Z

so tonights new is killing me...inside i feel like dying...i feel like im going to do something to myself again...i dont feel wanted im all alone in this world. Feels like people are trying to screw me over...trying to push me to my limits well tonights new has really pushed me far now...I dont know what even to say to the 2 of you anymore...Its oviously gonna tear us apart seems like it started when you told me...It honestly hurts me soo much...it hurt me to see him and jess but now to see him and my best friend...like fuck i can't take it...i can't even understand why your thinking of that cuz you know it would have hurt me...A friend, someone i could talk to and now i dont know what i can do...It didn't seem like im ever good enough anymore and it hurts soo much...I can't even get a phone call since i brought you around...All i get are the drunk phone calls and its starting to kill me...It seems like im not good enough to hang out with him anymore becuz your always there...Thats what it seems like anyways....No matter what its going to kill me...its tearing me apart...I didn't think you would ever do anything to hurt me...but its hurting me now...it wasn't planned well it kinda seemed like it...idn how but it just did...dont hate me for writting any of this....cuz i still care about you...its just i can't see why it would cross minds....? I dont know how im going to deal with this tonight i can't say anything becuz i dont know how to...I never liked the fact of you hanging out with them without me...i never liked that at all i always got pissed off..im not going to lie to you....it always hurt me...im letting you know tho that...Its going to have an effect on me...knowing this already does....its soo fucked up right now.....

guess not

2005-09-01T00:56:22Z

I guess im not good enough to go hang out with all of you..I guess thats how its going to be...trying to get ahold of you is pointless becuz it seems like you dont want to hang out with me...You dont wanna be around me...Im sitting here bored out of my mind and all i get when i call you is your out with Brandon...It hurts to think im not good enough to hang out with you all right now

question

2005-08-26T14:41:21Z

why do i feel like a failure...it seems like you are pushing away from me...you dont seem to call or talk to me anymore...ever since cheryl came around..im not mad at you cheryl not at all...im just questioning why its becomming like this...????

CHERYL IM NOT MAD just talk to me...

turned upside down

2005-08-23T20:17:24Z

Well the past couple of days have been rough....Yesterday was one of those days...I cant explain much of it right now...its all the facts of growing up i guess...My life has been turned upside down again...its a mess...I wish i had carolyn to help me through all this again...she understood everything that was going on in my life...she helped me stop smoking pot...she helped me in soo many ways...Its her b-day on thursday and i wanna figure out something to do for her that shows how much she means to me...anyways she helped me stop pot...im not doing drugs anymore...i do still drink but im not getting into pot again i can't do it...ppl offer it to me all the time but i say no...anyways...my life was turned upside down after the fights i got in the past few weeks...fights i didnt want to get in in the first place...the fights i got into just made me break down inside...i can't go on like this...pretending to be happy...when im not...i can't do it...Yesterday mini-golfing was soo much fun i had soo much fun...but at night it all changed my feelings went from happy to sad within an hour...i couldn't help things that go on anymore...im sorry to all that i have hurt...all that i have done...if anyone can forgive me that would be amazing...im sorry for all that i have hurt like i said...you all shouldn't have to put up with me...but im glade that you have stuck by my side through everything...i thank god that everyone is still here after last night..

Break down

2005-08-22T15:33:51Z

I wish i could still have you to hold. to be with. to be happy...Im not happy anymore i can't be happy without him...I hate myself for what i did...I can't beleive i did that...Im soo upset with myself every night and day...If i never met you i wouldn't be soo happy...everytime i see you i smile..i breake down everytime i dont talk to you i break down...Everytime im not with you i break down...Everytime i have a dream with you in it i can't sleep i want to cuz it bring me closer to you but at the same time i dont wanna sleep cuz i see your face and break down....Knowing that i've screwed up hurts me soo much the way it ended wasn't the way i wanted it to...I drink you away hoping it will work but the next night it just comes back to me...Your always on my mind no matter where i am or what im doing you seem to be there...your always there...I really like you i really do...I care soo much for you...I never ran when i herd all the stuff going on...Why can't i breath when i think of you...why can't i speak when ever i talk about you...Thats what i want to know...It seems so simple to answer it but i dont know why...I pray everynight for you...Pray everynight like its sometimes works...im just hoping one day you will see how much you mean to me...my life without you is soo incomplete so broken up...i dont wanna live without you...just wanna fall asleep in your arms and have someone hold me and tell me everything is going to be ok...becuase i miss that...i miss the little things the phone calls at 1ish making sure i got home ok...the hugs, the kisses...your smile when were lying there looking up at eachother...this is is my prayer...
That one day we will talk and re-think all of what went on...its in the past and i jus want you to be in the future as well...My memories run deep in my heart and find it soo hard to say i hate you...i can't do it i dont mean it...im sorry for everything that has gone on...im sorry for hurting you...sorry for what i put you through...you dont know how much i regret everything right now...Every mistake i made when i was seeing you...i miss you and care for you soo much...
Im crying right now just writting this...i cried last night,all night,cried everytime i remember what i did to us...Please come back to me...

fallen

2005-08-10T16:54:26Z

Oh
Yeah
Huh Oh

You complete me
Like air and water boy
I need thee
And when I'm in your arms I feel free
Fallen
My heads up in the clouds in love
I'm proud
To you say it loud
Like an accident it happend
Out of nowhere
It just happend
And I aint mad at all
Because I've

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up
Don't wanna get up
Because of love (Because of love)

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up
Don't wanna get up
Because of love

Baby
To let you get away is crazy (Let you get away)
so I'm doing what it takes
To make you pledge your love to me
You see cause I'm tryna be your lady
For ever and ever baby
The picture wouldn't be the same
If you weren't standing next to me
Can't you see I'm fallen

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen (I'm fallen)
In love with you
I've fallen (Oh)
And I can't get up
Don't wanna get up
Because of love (Because of love)

Fallen
Head over heels
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up (And I can't get up)
Don't wanna get up (Don't wanna get up)
Because of love

You complement me
Not an accesory
You're necessary
You never could speak bad words against me
Your bare with me
Security
Are you here with me
Your my hapiness
My joy (Joy)
And all because of you boy
I look forward to the time
I spend with you
Whatever it is we do

Cause I'm fallen for you boy
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Fallen
I've fallen for you
Fallen
Head over heels for you
So in love with you
Fallen
Love, oh
For you

Touch me (Touch me)
Hold me (Hold me)
Love me (Love me)
Kiss me
In love with you
Talk to me (Talk to me)
Caress me (Oh)
Play with me
Don't wanna get up
Explore me
Your my everything

Fallen
Head over heels (To let you get away is crazy)
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up (I won't get up)
Don't wanna get up (Don't wanna get up)
Because of love

Fallen (Touch me)
Head over heels (Hold me)
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen (Whoa)
And I can't get up (With you)
Don't wanna get up
Because of love

Fallen (In love)
Head over heels
I've fallen (My joy)
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up (And I can't get up)
Don't wanna get up (Don't wanna get up)
Because of love

Fallen (Head over heels for you)
Head over heels (So in love with you)
I've fallen
In love with you
I've fallen
And I can't get up (And I can't get up)
Don't wanna get up (Don't wanna get up)
Because of love

I definately have got to say.. i have fallen for this boy...Ive fellen soo much it hurts

cuts_to_deep @ 2005-08-10T11:58:00

2005-08-10T15:58:55Z

Depression sucks soo much...i fucking hate mylife right now...

me to you

2005-08-10T03:58:49Z

Walk away if you want to
it's ok, if you need to
you can run, but you can never hide
From the shadow that's creeping up beside you
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all

(Whatever you do)
I'll be two steps behind you
(Wherever you go)
and I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.

Take the time
to think about it
Walk the line, you know you just can't fight it
Take a look around and see what you can find
Like the fire that's burning up inside me,
There's a magic running through your soul
But you can't have it all

(Whatever you do)
I'll be two steps behind you
(Wherever you go)
and I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
to turn around and I'll be two steps behind.

There's a magic running through your soul
but you, you can't have it all
(Whatever you do)
I'll be two steps behind you
(wherever you go)
and I'll be there to remind you
that it only takes a minute of your precious time
To turn around and I'll be two steps behind.

Two steps behind
yeah, baby
two steps behind
ohh, sugar
two steps behind

DEPRESSION

2005-08-08T15:14:50Z

WELL IM A FUCK UP...I CANT STAND IT ANYMORE I CANT EVEN BE HOME ALONE WITHOUT CRYING ALL THE TIME IS FUCKED UP...IM FUCKED UP...I FUCK UP ALL THE TIME...GOD WHY AM I SUCH A FUCK UP???WELL JUST TELLING YOU HOW MUCH IM A FUCK UP...AND HOW MUCH I HATE THINGS RIGHT NOW...
IF I COULD DESIGN THE PREFECT GUY YOU WOULD HAVE BEEN HIM...BUT WITHOUT THIS PERFECT GUY IN MY LIFE IM NOTHING...MY PREFTECT GUY IS GONE...CAN SOMEONE HELP ME FIND A REASON TO LIVE AGAIN...SHELBY IS TRYING TO HELP ME..SHE KNOWS HOW HAPPY I WAS AND HOW MISERABLE I AM NOW...EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND SHE SAYS HE REALIZE SOON ENOUGH THINGS SHOULD BE A WAY THEN LET ME KNOW THAT WAY...THNX FOR EVERYONE WHO LISTENS TO THIS...IM MISERABLE THO AND IM LETTING YOU KNOW I HAVE HARMED MYSELF

The biggest screw up...

2005-08-06T05:35:24Z

I know i'm the last person you wanna hear from right now...but i wanted to tell you how sorry i am for the shit that went on tonight...The reasons right now for what went on are stupid and rediculous...I have no reason to even believe them but for some reason tonight i did...but i know no that it definately got me no where but to where i am right now...sitting here thinking of how i screwed up...i wrote soo much sitting in my car while i was trying to find words to say to you that you may listen to...The words i came up with may not have been the best thing to say but i do want to say them one more time...Im soo sorry for everything i've caused you...I put stress on you that shouldn't have been there...I shouldn't have listened to what everyone was telling me and went with what i knew...But i didn't and thats why it put me to tears tonight...Tonight i wanted to be by myself as well when other people came out with me...I never ran from you when you told me all the stuff...about coc, and cutting, and everything i never ran away...i didn't want to...I wanted to stay with you by yourside and be there for you...i guess i definately blew that chance...Im hoping one day you will forgive me and maybe one day things will get better...but right now i know you want nothing to do with me...I didn't want to hear you say those word of it being over...i didn't want to hear those words at all...i never told anyone we were going out for the record....but im sitting here wondering why cant things be different...what if i didnt' react the way i did would things be the same or would things change? Its my screw up and i understand that its going to take time to gain your trust back...im hoping that day will be soon as well...you dont know how sorry i am...If i could go back i definately would...
*The day i learned to smile again was the day i met/hung out with you* I want you to know that...i smile soo much just being with you makes me the happiest person but its not going to matter anymore i guess...
I dont want to be another memory i want to mean something to you the way you mean something to me...Please find it in your heart to forgive me becuase you mean alot to me...I dont wanna loose you.
*The cuts on my wrist leave me with one reminder...how i ruined me and you*
Ttyl
Heather

Thats what i had to say to Brandon tongiht...I sent him that email...I really and truely ruined things by getting jelous but no one reads this anyways so whats the point in even explaining if you want to knwo just leave me a comment tho

Party = Amazing guy

2005-08-05T04:36:52Z

I found the greatest guy ever...Like more amazing then anything I've ever had. He makes me soo happy...I always smile...Its something im not use to...Its almost like im living in a dream world...A dream that i dont want to wake up from a dream that i hope will never end. This summer has been amazing soo far....I can't believe everything that has gone on...I dont want summer to end...let alone i didn't want tonight to end...but he says he doesn't want me worrying about anything right now...Were not soo different, hes right....i couldn't believe what i saw tonight...i just hope he doesn't do it anymore...it scares me...I mean i know what its like but to see it on him...just no...I couldn't believe it...i think its more i didn't want to believe it...Do i still want to...He told me most girls run when they find all this out...im not going to run...i wanna stay...I dont wanna go...Dont push me away...Please dont push me away... I know you missed me while I was gone…You’ve told me more then once…I miss you too….soo much…I didn’t wanna fall asleep without seeing your face…I didn’t wanna feel alone…I didn’t like the feeling of not having you around…not knowing whats going on…When im lying in your arms Im safe, nothing can hurt me, nothing will get me…but that week I was gone it felt like everything was out to get me…like everything was going to hurt me…I couldn’t stand it not being able to call you talk to you…to hear you tell me everything would be alright…I didn’t get to hear that at all…It was hard to deal with it…but tonight seeing you made me feel all those good feelings again…those feelings of being safe and nothing will hurt me…you holding me, your kisses it all makes me feel good about myself and makes me smile and happy….Promise me you wont let me go…promise me you wont hurt yourself…please just don’t leave me…I miss you soo much….